It is so different this time, but still the same. Waiting with Parker I was so anxious about becoming a mother for the first time; do I have everything I need, what am I forgetting, will I do things right, how will I know? The list goes on. I’m sure it’s similar for any new mother, but I was going to be a new mother of an almost 20 lb 9 month old baby! I had so many worries.
The waiting for #2 has got me thinking now if I am doing the right thing. Should we be adopting another child? Is it fair to Parker? Did we do the right thing adopting in the first place? Yes, I am a huge worrier! I doubt myself and some decisions I’ve made during the wait this time. I have been over thinking EVERYTHING. I am reading way too much on adoption, and specifically international adoption. Okay, I know I can’t read too much but I feel like I may take it a little too seriously at times.
I recently read an article about diversity in schools. I know Parker isn’t in school… yet. He will be starting preschool in the fall and what started out as worrying about Parker not being potty trained and having the best social skills has become worrying if he will be the only Asian child in his class. I’m not just worrying about preschool; I’m worrying about his entire school career. We do live in a neighborhood that happens to have several adoptive families. Some of whom have adopted from Korea , some China and one soon to be Ethiopia, but all of these adopted children are older than Parker and won’t be in school the same time.
You may be thinking, those are some of the things I worry about, what’s the difference? That’s what I used to think. I am a mother, I have a son and that’s it. Well, God willing that will be it but the fact is that I have to consider so many other things. I am an adoptive parent. We are a multi cultural, transracial family. Whether I like it or not, Parker will be treated different. He may get teased, made fun of, teachers or others may stereotype him. We took all the required classes to help prepare, I am reading the books, doing research on my own. But I still worry.
I also worry that I am depriving my son of time with me. When I’m not working (full time), I am home cleaning or lately working on the dolls to sell as a fundraising project. We don’t have any paperwork for #2 right now but there are a few things we need to get done in the next few months. Then, once the referral does come, so will more paperwork, then more worrying for me. I worry that we won’t have the money when we need it; I worry about traveling to Korea . I worry about Parker, should we bring him with us to Korea and if we do, how will that affect him and #2. Will it be a good thing? I worry what will happen if we don’t take him. Will he resent us? How can we not take him to his birth country? It will probably be the only time we would all be in Korea together.
When it comes down to it, I worry and I over think, but I would not change a thing!
