just a mattress

I really thought when I got the mattress for Parker’s crib it would be exciting, it wasn’t. I don’t want to say it was disappointing, because it wasn’t it just wasn’t what I thought it would be. We have been waiting for so long, and trying not to get excited buying things because we don’t want to jinx anything but now I think I may have put too much into the little things. I know a mattress… big deal. I thought it would be, but now it’s just a mattress in an empty crib. I really don’t mind seeing the crib set up every day, I never did but I just can’t get excited about it. I sit here every day looking at this precious little face knowing in my heart that he’s my son, but it still doesn’t feel real. I know, as soon as he’s in my arms it will feel real… at least that’s what I’m hoping for. I was so excited after we got the referral, and again after we got Parker’s WBC and new picture, but I’m just not sure how I feel now. We have been excited and then let down and disappointed so many times that I am basically numb to it all now. I for sure thought I would be able to get through the waiting process no problem, after all the waiting we have already done but it definitely gets harder with every day that passes. I realize that every day that passes is one day closer to holding my son in my arms, but it is also another day that he is changing, growing, learning. We are missing so many of the little things that new parents look so forward to, someone else is seeing those things, hearing those sounds. Again, I am grateful beyond words to the people that are taking such wonderful care of him and I am truly blessed to have my son, it is just so hard without him.

Hurry home Parker… mommy & daddy miss you!